Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
