The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
