So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
