I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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