what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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