After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
