How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
