And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
