why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
