my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
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