By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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