He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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