Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
