bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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