i jhust puked up my retainher.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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