If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
