my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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