I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
smell my finger.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
