i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
