either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
