she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
