My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
