you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
