just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
