YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
