you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
