I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
