so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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