"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
