She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
