She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We need to get me chipped asap
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
