I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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