if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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