Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
