It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
