im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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