I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
