I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
