Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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