The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just found puke in my bra..
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
