my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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