Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
