Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
