when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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