can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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