Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
