tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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