My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
