ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
