I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
