Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
